The future is uncertain.

It actually always is. Life can change at any moment.

But normally (whatever that means) I can make plans and not give it a second thought. Maybe I think for a second, “What if the kids get sick?” Or some other realistic possibility. What if the dog has another seizure, what if stuff comes up at work… There’s always the slight risk when we plan too far in advance, when we book the hotel, when we buy the plane ticket.

But for some reason under “normal” circumstances it is easier to convince ourselves that it will all be fine. It will work out. I used to make a plan for next week or next month and never think twice.

Now, forever, making plans feels different. I calculate when maintenance chemo will be done. When will we fully let go of the ledge of the pool and swim out unassisted. When we will let down our guard and trust that it won’t come back, even without all these extraordinary measures to keep it at bay. How long will we have been off any type of chemo or radiation? Is there a chance it will have come back? What is our scan schedule? Is there a chance we will have just gotten bad news?

Those are the questions that come up every time I think about making a plan. Next month. Next year.

I wonder if I will ever be able to make a plan and not be so incredibly aware of how precarious our plans in this life really are.

And…

I’m doing it anyway.

I’m buying the plane tickets and I’m booking the Air BNB and I’m letting myself dream that even a month and two months and six months out life will be stable and “normal” enough that I/we could dare to go on an adventure.

I’m believing it’s gone and not coming back.

And that even though things will never really actually be the same again, that awareness can change the way we make plans for the better. We will make plans even in spite of the uncertainty. Because the alternative is to hesitate and let fear decide.

The reality is that it’s always a risk to make a plan, to do anything other than be in the present moment. I just know the risk more intimately than most. I know how suddenly things can change.

And… So. I’m doing it anyway.

We get this one wild and precious life to explore and grow and love and exist in this form and I can’t imagine that we are meant to spend it being cautious, to spend it waiting until we are sure of something that we can’t ever really be sure of.

Buy the plane ticket.